Pairing: Angel/Lindsey
Note #1: A response to Angel Negra’s ‘Garbage Challenge’.
Note #2: Song Fic - '‘#1 Crush’ by Garbage
Spoilers: Blind Date, Reunion
Timeline: Pre-Dead End.
Summary: Lindsey’s thoughts about his mixed feelings for Angel as he exit his office.
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I would die for you
I would die for youEternity is a long time.
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine
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As I watched the sun setting outside of my office window, I suddenly found myself comparing the shades of red to the warm, sweet blood that he desires. Yes, it was no surprise that I, Lindsey McDonald, was thinking about my number one enemy – Angel. But like they say, you can’t judge a book by its cover. Well, I had done a pretty damn good job at hiding behind that cover.
Everyone mistook the blush in my cheeks whenever Angel was mentioned to be formed by anger, hatred, and frustration. They were right about the last option, I was frustrated. Frustrated at myself, my life and worse of all, the fact that my heart didn’t belong to me anymore... Somewhere between Angel throwing my client out of the window and slicing off my hand like he was clipping his nails, he managed to gain ownership of my heart, something I thought I lost a long time ago.
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I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear
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I had a heart once. I knew the true happiness of laughter, the sorrow of tears and the meaning of life as well. Now, all I had was the insincere smile, concealing that someone who had forgotten how to cry and lost all reason to live.
I remembered what I told Darla, ‘I just don’t mind.’ and the shocked look on the ancient vampire’s face. It was truly a Kodak moment. It’s true; I didn’t mind it anymore. What was the point of living when all you have around you was fake? When you found yourself friendless? When the only time you felt wanted was when you were on a stage, singing to an audience of strangers?
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I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you
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I knew how Angel sees me, a soul that had wandered too far down the path of evil to be saved. Heaven knew how much that look of disgust on his face had pained me. It was like walking through burning endless flames, every time you think the pain is over, there would be another fire, waiting to sink its hot, boiling teeth into your already wounded body.
I would sell my soul if I could only have him by my side, even if it was just for a moment. But he didn’t think that, he wouldn’t even have thought of that in his wildest dreams. To him, I’m nothing but a walking zombie waiting for the world to end so I can go home.
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See your face every place that I'm walking
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking
You will believe in me and I will never be ignored
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Even knowing how he feels about me, I still can’t bring myself to acknowledge the fact that I should move on. It’s not like I haven’t thought of it before, but every time, the little voice inside my head would tell me to hold on, and maybe life would change.
‘You can do anything you set your mind to.’ Angel was the only one on my mind, but I’m not sure if I’m ever on his mind. If I was, it could probably be under the revenge category.
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I will purr for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife
And bleed my aching heart and tear it apart
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Everyone wonders why I’m so set to make Angel’s life miserable. It was the only way I could to get into his life, a place that I don’t belong, another dimension. But for him, I would try to adjust to it, I would try my best to fit in, if only he’d let me through the gate that he guarded so fiercely.
Every word out of his mouth is forever branded in my mind, every touch forever branded in my skin, and every shared look won him another piece of my heart.
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I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees
Until you see you're just like me
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I know he thought we are nothing alike, after all, why would he? I was the carrier of evil seeds and the spreader of all that is bad and he was the brooding hero. And damn him for thinking that I don’t deserve redemption!
I tried to help him, stealing those files from the firm. Risking my life to make his easier, to try and help him carry some of the guilt he’d been bearing. And what did I get? Indifference, jeering and worse of all, rejection. He knew we were alike. I guess he didn’t want to be called an equal to the lowest of the low.
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Violate all the love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me and I can never be ignored
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No one would believe me if I told them I’m constantly in pain. Because it was on the inside, wounds that caused by an affection that could never be returned. Cuts formed by the sharp sentence of judgment flowing out of his mouth.
No one could heal those wounds either, if they could locate them in the first place. Only Angel could stop the painful echoing of the hollowness inside of me, only his embrace could calm my worries and only his love could fill the emptiness of my soul.
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I would die for you I will kill for you
I will steal for you I'd do time for you
I will wait for you I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you to be close to you
To be part of you cause I believe in you
I believe in you I would die for you
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I had morals, conscience and a soul once. But morals got eaten away by hunger, pain and the cold breeze of the winter that a cheap and thin apartment wall couldn’t block out.
Conscience got torn apart by the cruelty of life, I didn’t have everything served to me on a silver platter. I had to face death of family and friends.
As for the soul, I’m pretty sure it got taken away when my youngest sister fell victim to cancer and when my parents had to sell the house. I didn’t have a choice, to pick between good and evil, because good was a luxury to someone like me. Evil gave me the money to give my sister the best for the last two months of her life and gave my parents their house back.
Now as I exited my office, my mind was working furiously on a new plan. For Angel, if he couldn’t remember me with love, then let it be done with hate. At least I’ll finally be a part of him...good or bad.
~ END ~